It has been over two years since I last published a blog post on this site. I would like to say I have been working extremely hard on my book series and putting all of my energies into that. Unfortunately that is no the case. Instead I have been struggling to keep focus on my goals and completely lost my way. Not just with the writing but with everything. I no longer recognise the person I have become. When I looking the mirror I no longer see who I want to see.
For the longest time now I have felt like a failure and that is because I haven’t finished my book. The only person to blame is myself. I’ve struggled to get motivated and I feel judged by others, who know I was planning on writing a book, because they probably would’ve expected me to have finished it by now. I think it has become a little bit of a joke that Neal is working on a book. “Haha, yeah right. Have you written any lately?” I get those kind of remarks and rather than prove them wrong and sit down to write, I live up to their expectation that I’m never going to finish it and it’s a pipe dream.I used to get people genuinely ask me how my writing was going , and I still do now and then, however I brush over the subject very quickly because I am ashamed I haven’t finished it. I feel a failure in others eyes and most importantly in my own.
For months now I have been battling with my inner monster, who tells me constantly I’m no good, and it’s his voice that is telling me I am a failure. I know I am not the only person who has that voice. Many of my friends are creative people and I think we all have that voice. The trick is to not listen and push forward. My problem has been that I’ve been too weak to fight back and I’m not quite sure why. The monster has dominated my personality for a while now but it is finally time to shut it down. Baby steps though. Where I want to be in life and what I want to do can’t be done in a day or even a week. That is something I must remind myself of because if I don’t then the monster will surely tell me I’m useless once again and I will believe it because I haven’t achieved my goal.
Maybe if my inner monster had a name it might make it easier to fight back and disregard its comments. As it stands the voice is myself telling me I’m no good and it makes it easier to accept that it must be true. Whereas if it had a name, like Margaret or Bill it would be easier for me to ignore. I could say to myself, “It’s just Bill being an ass again and having a stupid opinion, don’t listen to him”. Perhaps I should try that. You guys reading this could even help me decide on a name for it. Why not leave a comment on my Facebook page or Twitter.
I am not a writer. I am not the greatest at grammar, spelling or punctuation. I don’t know how to lay out a page correctly when writing. These are all things which I can learn, even just by asking google. But because I am not a writer I see that as a huge obstacle to tackle, and instead of trying to overcome the obstacle, I give up before I’ve even begun.
Another factor which made me spiral downhill was the fact I turned thirty in 2016. Hitting thirty isn’t really a big deal in todays world, but to me it was huge. I never thought I’d be bothered about my age, after all it is just a number. Another label society wants you to wear so you can be put into one of their boxes. That is another blog for another day though. My point was turning thirty devastated me and that is when I really began to feel like a failure. It is a bit of a milestone in life, which once again is a pressure from society, and I guess I felt I had to have achieved something by that age. I had been working on the book for a while by that point and the fact that I’d reached my thirties and hadn’t completed it made me feel dreadful. By writing this I’ve actually only just realised that was the trigger which began my self doubt in a major way.
I’m not writing this for sympathy or attention either. I’m doing it because writing it down is letting it out. It is almost like I am sharing my problem with others and as they say ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’. So by doing this it is already taking a lot of the guilt and stress and feeling of failure away.
I’m useless when it comes to talking face to face with another person about how I’ve been feeling. I open up slightly but then bottle up again very quickly. I did try and get my feelings out a while ago with a friend but I don’t feel I did a very good job at explaining myself. I have some pressure from other people in life too. To be there for them and support them but it is hard to do that when I am myself going through a dark time. If I bump into anyone who has read this tomorrow or in the near future I am likely to not open up or want to talk about it. As I mentioned I bottle up. It is probably because I don’t like to show vulnerability. I see it as weakness and not a good thing. But in fact it is probably the opposite. Exposing your weakness with others is a very strong thing to do. It is brave to let people see such a personal side to you.
I suppose the truth is I haven’t failed because I haven’t finished or given up. The dream and the book are still there, just waiting for me to do it. I haven’t let anyone down, only myself. I have to stop being so angry and disappointed at myself and begin to love me again. I need to forgive myself and that is my first step.
I have a bit of a plan in mind to help get me to who I want to be. I’m going to do more writing exercises, which I will probably share with you on this blog. I want to spend more time with creative and happy people. I think that is a very important part. I do have good friends in my life who are creative but that doesn’t mean I don’t need more people like that!
I am a long way off being who I want to be, but I know for sure that I will get there, and I guess that is half the battle won.