This is a subject I have touched on before, on a blog in a previous life, and I’m bringing it up once again because it is an issue I still have in my life. I have a terrible relationship with food.
I use food as a tool to make me happy. If I’m ever feeling down or something bad happens, which then sends me spiralling into a dark mood where I hate myself and everything around me, I nearly always turn to food. Chocolate, junk food, cake, anything that is bad for me health wise works wonders on my mood. It instantly gives me a high and I feel really good again. However, this is short-lived. It is a temporary fix and only provides short term happiness because not long after the food has gone I begin to feel dreadful about myself once again. And how do I cope with this? By eating snacks. They help put me in a better mood, so why wouldn’t I grab that extra bar of chocolate if I know it will help my mood? Some people turn to alcohol or drugs to make themselves feel better. Food is my drug.
If I’ve had a particularly bad day I know it will all be better if I have something really delicious for dinner. So the bad mood doesn’t always happen because I have the happy feeling of food to look forward to later. Whereas if I’m trying to eat healthily and something happens in the day to put me in a dark mood, it is made worse by knowing that I can’t rely on my go-to food of choice to help me feel better. These moods can get very dark and anyone who has suffered a similar battle against themselves will know how it feels. You hate yourself and see no way out of this life you are stuck in. It feels as the world is against you and you’re not strong enough to cope with it.
They say eating healthy makes you feel better, but how do you cope when bad food is your drug? The feeling healthy eating gives me isn’t enough to combat those bad moods where I need junk to get me out of it. So it seems I’m currently in an endless cycle of trying to eat better, something starts my depressing mood off and bad food helps me get out of it. Bang, straight off the healthy bandwagon and back to doing the same. Hating myself and masking it with food.
My favourite thing to do to completely get out of a bad mood is eat whilst watching YouTube videos, TV shows or even playing video games to get lost in. All whilst eating crap food. This completely cuts me out of my reality as I don’t have to think or feel anything because I’m being fed nonsense from ‘entertainment’ just by looking at a screen. I don’t have to try because it’s right there in front of me and adding food with this experience makes it even more enjoyable. I can get lost and live in the moment of the video I’m watching or game I am playing.
As soon as it’s over though I’m back in my reality and have to face my problems again. So what do I do instead? Get snacks and surf social media of course! Social media is a great way to black out all that is going on around me and I can fill up (or waste) time by pissing around on my phone for a few hours. Scrolling through social media such as Instagram or Facebook and losing myself in pictures and videos is another tool I use to help me feel better. But social media doesn’t make me feel better. At best it makes me feel numb to what is going on around me. Add food to the mix once again and bam! Temporary numbing happiness.
My war against food will continue for now. I know that I will conquer it someday, but when it happens does that mean I’ll be in a happier place and have no need for a coping device or will I have replaced food for something else to fight against my gloomy moments? I do know one thing. When I finally beat this war against food I’ll still have the biggest battle in the world to deal with, and that is the battle against myself. But that is a blog post for another day.