To anyone who thinks depression isn’t a real condition and it is just a made up thing I’m here to tell them “Fuck you”. I dare you to come to my home now and challenge me on it, because I will destroy you.

I am, right now, having a particularly bad moment and the only words I can use to describe how I feel are very down, upset, angry, but most of all I hate myself. Depression brings out all these awful emotions and thoughts and it is absolute hell to live with. It’s not just being down or in a bad mood, it’s so much worse than just being a bit upset. It is the feeling that you are worthless. You really feel despair and you’ve toyed with the idea of suicide more than once.  Bit of a taboo subject I guess, but if we keep such topics behind closed doors how are we supposed to help or understand people who suffer in these ways?

Before I carry on I want to say that I am not in that dark of a place right now and have no intention of harming myself. However, I have thought about it in the past and it is awful to think that, at any moment, someone who is suffering alone, wearing a fake smile, will take their life, often with little to no signs that they intended to do it.

I don’t believe it is a selfish act to kill yourself and those that say suicide is selfish have absolutely no idea the pain that person must be feeling to actually go through with it. Yes you will hurt others around you who love you, but I can imagine how easy it must be for a depression sufferer to get to the point where they just want it to stop. You want to stop hating yourself. You want to stop being in pain and the only way out is to end it all. It is the only way you can end your suffering.

To those that don’t suffer form a mental illness such as depression, you’ve no idea how lucky you are. Can you imagine hating yourself and feeling that shit about yourself so often and there is no escape? You can never get away from it because it is you. it is inside of you and you’ll never be able to run away from it.

If you were with a person you hated and they made you really angry, you can choose to walk away from them, ignore them and go about your business and before long that feeling of hate has gone because you don’t have to deal with that person any longer. Well, you can’t walk away from yourself. It is always there and there is fuck all you can do to escape. So when I say you’re lucky if you don’t suffer from thesis things I really mean it.

One of my favourite celebrities, as many of my friends and family know, is RuPaul. RuPaul has a famous saying which he says in every episode of his reality show. “If you can’t love yourself how in the hell you gonna love somebody else”. It sounds great but in reality I disagree with what he is saying. I love people. Loving people is easy. Loving yourself is hard when you’re dealing with a mental illness. I can love other people without loving myself. In fact I hate myself more when I make loved ones feel worse about themselves because they do not understand why I feel like I do. They then feel like they are doing a bad job or you must be down or angry because of them, so they apologise. That only makes me hate myself even more. Not only am I already feeling shit bout myself, I’ve now made my loved one feel she about themselves.

If I’m having a particularly dark moment I don’t want to talk about it. There usually is nothing to talk about. I can’t explain why I feel like I do, I just do. I can try and talk to a person about how I feel but it never comes out quite right and usually end up feeling misunderstood, which only makes the issue worse.

Yes this is raw and honest because I feel very down right now and a way I am trying to combat it is to get it out of my head and share it. A problem shared is a problem halved, right? I’m happy to share this part of my life with you. It creates awareness. When I do feel like this I rarely want to be around people or talk to anyone how I feel, but writing it down and sharing it is far easier.

I do not expect or want sympathy. Sympathy doesn’t actually help me. It makes me feel even worse. I really am only sharing this because I feel like it is a good way to help me feel better, and not only that but it helps create awareness, as I mentioned. People do not talk about these things enough. Sufferers tend to keep it bottled upend suffer behind closed doors in silence.  This is my way of not suffering in silence. I’m putting it out there for the world and his wife to see and I don’t have to physically tell another person.

If you have taken the time to read all of this you’ll be pleased to hear that writing this out has helped my mood a tremendous amount. I could just now close my laptop and carry on with my day without posting it to any social media. But I’m not going to do that. I am going to share it with the world because hopefully another person who feels like this may read it and know they are not alone, even though it may feel like it.

If you need help with depression or suicidal thoughts and want someone to talk to then call the samaritans free helpline -116 123 or visit their website www.samaritans.orgwho-needs-enemies-when-youve-got-yourself-quote-1.jpg


2 thoughts on “Despair

  1. Hi Neal,
    It’s really brave, to do what you have done. To face your feelings head on, so honestly.
    I’m both a former patient of depression and a psychologist. I have known depression and anxiety very very up close and personally, unfortunately. I know what you are trying to say, because I have felt all of this. To not even know why that self-hatred exists, is terrifying and debilitating.
    But I’m writing to tell you that you aren’t alone. We’re reading and listening, and are here to support. Dont be afraid to reach out to people.
    And above all, this gets better! I dont know if it truly ever leaves you completely, but it definitely gets better!
    More power to you!!

    1. Thank you for your kind words. It is always nice to know you’re never alone. I know things get better, I have good and bad days. It’s just trying to remember that the bad moods don’t last, which can be hard when you’re in the moment of hating yourself. I survive though and carry on.

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